Friday, September 18, 2009



Kate Beckinsale tries to make a splash as a federal marshal investigating multiple murders at the South Pole. What she doesn't realize is the temperatures in the Antartic landscape are below -50 C and the water is frozen causing her to slam into solid ice. This movie sucked to say the least, and even if you don't want to read the rest of this review just know that this movie is never ever worth your time. Even if someone questions, "Hey want a $100 bucks to watch Whiteout?", run the other way! I'll probably spoil some elements of Whiteout if you keep reading...heed that notion.

Ms. Beckinsale plays Carrie Stetko, a troubled U.S. Marshal with a difficult past as an agent in the field. She decides to take a cake-walk job playing enforcement to the scientists and their teams of researchers on the Antarctic shelf . The job gets more difficult as she discovers a murdered fella way out in the middle of the freezing tundra and from there the murder mystery takes off (by take off I mean it gets off the ground but crashes at the end of the runway).

I wouldn't be surprised if this script's first draft was written in red crayon it was so poorly written . The dialogue wasn't bad at all just the way the story played out. The concept is intriguing, it was the storytelling (among other things) that sucked. If anyone reading does happen to see Whiteout you like me will be sitting there shaking your head at some of the worst and most boring action sequences ever (not to mention too much of it), a poorly constructed story (so many holes), and the drawn out nature to a very basic plot (this movie was way too long, I couldn't wait for it to end).

Most of the characters in this movie made such terrible decisions you would think that Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohan were governing their actions. If you saw the movie, you would concur.

The acting was decent. It was good at times and less than that at others. The only time Kate moved me with her acting was a scene when she had to have two of her fingers removed from the result of frostbite. Poor Selene...I mean Carrie.

As I mentioned above the action was not only terrible but it occurred far too often for how uninteresting it was to watch. A murderer chasing Kate around with pick axe when she is a trained federal marshal with fully loaded hand gun in her coat leaves viewers screaming in their heads, "Pull out your gun! YOU HAVE A GUN!"

Most of the action took place outside in hurricane force winds causing visibility to be very low, especially for the audience. At one stand off between the killer, Kate, and her trusty partner Robert, you could not even tell who was who with all the snow gear and the whirling winds of white snow it was impossible to get a grasp on what is happening much less who is winning the battle. That was one of the worst action sequences I have ever witnessed.

Besides Kate Beckinsale's decent acting she was by far the worst portrayal of a cop I have ever seen on screen. Even Arrested Development's "Hot Cops" seen below is a better representation of someone wearing a badge, and they were strippers! Let me elaborate.

When Kate's character Carrie goes searching through all these buildings for the killer and/or clues she just walks around like she is cruising down a grocery store aisle. Even though multiple people have been murdered she still walks into unfamiliar and possibly dangerous territory without a weapon drawn. In some parts when the killer is nipping at her heels still no use of her gun, and then when she has it of course she is helpless to use it.

A part of the movie I found funny is when her confidant Robert is telling her that she is wasting her skills as an officer down at this Antartic post. He states, "You're better than this, and you know it." After watching her walk about as the worst cop ever I laughed when he said that. I thought to myself, "She is lucky this is the first murder case she is investigating at the South Pole because if she did this on a weekly basis she'd be dead tomorrow when she storms a suspects house with nothing but good intentions."

To top it all off this movie had one of the worst endings to a movie since Jack goes and dies in the freezing cold Atlantic. Dammit Rose, why did you have to hog the floating piece of wood? (Titanic is the bomb!) While I am kidding, Whiteout does feature and ending that will truly disappoint anyone still sitting there long enough to get to the end.

Overall, Whiteout is a horrible, horrible, and yes, horrible movie. The worst I have seen since my eyes were exposed to a piece of garbage I consider the worst of 2009 Bruno. Let's just say these two are tied on a horrendous scale. I did not want to write this much about such a dumb movie, but alas I have. I couldn't stop myself. Don't see it, complete waste of time. Even if you are a fan of Kate Beckinsale, cold weather, and the worst CGI airplane in the world, you would still hate this project (I thought I was playing Starfox 64 the cargo plane in this movie looked so fake). I would even consider watching Bruno again if it were between that and Whiteout.

In fairness, the best line of the movie is when this old man John is boarding a plane and asks the young pilot if he knows how to fly this thing. The pilot responds, "Try not to have a heart attack on my plane junior." Yay Whiteout!


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